David Bowie Wisdom

Golden years...WHAT??!

So I just turned 50. That's Fifty....5 multiples of 10...half a century...

I really thought I'd be in a different place. I had believed that I would still be married, still be travelling, still livin' large, and I am in a sense,. My physical presense is (... but I'm pretty ok with it for now) I thought by now I would have started lawn bowling or worse Golf you know other old people shit. I have other focuses. Other goals. Restoring this house, becoming good with my gods and my demons, and doing the reluctant crazy cat crusader thing.

Its just me and the accidental cat, and as a true blue dog person theres a learning curve to living with another independent being. Shes a rescue and I have to say you'd think she'd be more grateful. She's pretty into herself and is quite indulgent in naps and the random killings of birds. She seems to mock me some days by contorting in strange poses just to clean her feet....show off. I think the point is she is unapologetically herself. I have no expectations or hidden agenda, nor does she with me. Initially I did. This old house possibly had mice I brought her here to be my henchman, the rodent enforcer if you will. But I never expected her to be anything but what she, is a cat. People seem to put expectations into relationships. Just like I expected to still be married, driving a better, newer car, maybe even having a couple more dogs. I'm almost grateful that didn't happen. I've had a few years of loss. Significant, devastating losses, that brought me to the edge and at one point leaning over into the abyss as if it had promised to hold me close and whisper '...thats it..just let go...I got you.." It was a very dark time for me. Never feeling enough, not thin enough, smart enough, strong enough, fast enough and now young enough. Quite frankly if you think being better than the best person in your tribe is your calling giver'. I've seen HUGE impressive transformations in people. People I care about doing stuff that is freaking amazing. I am so proud of them! Meeting goals head on and crushing them!! Inspiring!!

My personal thought (for me) is if thats your greatest contribution to humanity and your community you need to try harder. Being the absolute best at something you love is awesome, it's incredibly satisfying but can be very isolating. Your drive and focus to succeed can squeeze out the other important things in life that make it worth hanging out.

I celebrated my birthday and house warming on the same day, It was freaking amazing!! My home was not even close to ready but hell neither was I, it still happened. It happens and your feelings about it are irrelevant. Like Christmas it will come and go no presents no bows...its not about the decorations. I've decided to just roll with it. Give up what you cant control, let the chips fall where they may and let people be unapologetically WHO THEY ARE! Starting with myself. Embrace them for it, celebrate their successes and tell them youre proud of them. Reach out when you can to tell people youre thinking of them, even if its met with indifference, do these things for you, because you're a good person. Just like attending a party..... You'll either find a way or find an excuse.

Messages of life and growth are very subtle. I've missed so many of them. I've fucked so much stuff up. I'm starting to better understand that "just when you think life is taking you nowhere..." you might be surprised at where you end up.